To all of the mamas and daddies out there who have sweet angels who struggle with their health, you are loved.
You are appreciated. Your work and devotion is not unseen. You are heroes, especially when you don’t feel like one. For you…
Our sweet and spicy middle girl became really sick, really quickly. And we still don’t entirely know why.
Although after many hours in an Express Care for kids, multiple pharmacies, and an Emergency Room at Children’s Hospital we have a diagnosis, we still don’t know what caused her suddenly raging infection, spiking fever, and swelling in her lymph nodes and face. Just a quick Google search of Parotitis unveiled a lot of ugly options that could have brought this upon our girl, but no one could give us specifics. Which makes this mama bear a bit nervous, but overwhelmingly thankful that it wasn’t one of the worse options the medical staff discussed with us. So we probably head back to our pediatrician this week. And pray for more answers. And healing.
Watching your baby get an IV is not nice and standing helplessly by while your child cries and whimpers and tries too hard to be brave – it’s more than painful.
Trying to block out your own swirling thoughts and squash the anxiety that seeps into your mind and bones as you stand next to your baby during tests and scans – it’s no easy task.
Fighting back tears as you watch your angel fight back her own, set her jaw tightly so she doesn’t move her head for the scan, and drying her eyes when the drips flow freely – it’s just hard.
Not even having a good medicine to ease your child’s pain or make her more comfortable to sleep – it’s less than desirable.
Knowing that your baby’s road is a long one, an unbelievably difficult one, perhaps a life-long struggle – it’s unbearable.
There’s no good or easy way to look at any of what happens behind curtains or closed doors in hospitals. There just aren’t simple answers to questions of why or what’s next.
I truly wish there were.
Because it doesn’t make sense.
It doesn’t make sense that our babies of all ages are hurting for known and unknown reasons.
It doesn’t make sense that so many of them need to live with so much fear and pain and worry about tomorrow.
It doesn’t make sense that they must suffer things that we parents may never have faced ourselves.
It doesn’t make sense that some of our angels spend more time in hospitals than on playgrounds.
It doesn’t make sense that too many of our kiddos will struggle untold hardships to reach their next milestone.
It doesn’t make sense that any of our angels must fly to Heaven before they have enough time on Earth.
There aren’t good or right or easy answers.
And it sounds so trite and unfeeling to just say that that is just what God intended – for babies to be sick and suffering and dying, for mamas and daddies to bear such heavy weights in their hearts and souls and bodies. And I just refuse to believe that that is true.
I don’t have answers to your questions. If God is a loving God, why would He allow this to happen to my baby? If God is really who He says He is, why won’t He heal my child? If God is the God of life and death, why couldn’t my angel live? If God really loved me or my child, He wouldn’t put us through this, right?
I don’t know. I truly wish I had real, solid, helpful answers for you. Those questions are a few of the many that I ask Him too, for my own girls, for your kids, for so many people I know who have suffered untold amounts of pain, for the voiceless ones who never dare speak their troubles aloud.
The only thing I do know is that God knows our pain too.
God knows how hard it is to watch your child suffer unimaginably. His only child suffered too.
God knows what it feels like to have to stand by helplessly while your child is shredded and tortured physically. His only child hurt terribly too.
God knows how hard it is to doubt and question yourself when you make life-affecting decisions for your child. His only child was affected too.
God knows that it is almost impossible to turn off the worry and the fear that eats into your being ceaselessly. His only child caused worry too.
God knows what it feels like to have your heart ache endlessly for another outcome, for an easier solution, for a helpful balm to comfort your child. His only child faced impossible odds too.
God knows what it means to look death in the eye and to have to allow it to take hold. His only child died.
God knows. He gets it. He understands what you’re going through.
He has walked this road too.
Although God may not change the course you and your baby are headed on, He is with you.
Although He may not answer your most heartbroken of questions in a way that is clear or easy, God is holding your hand.
Although God may not offer an end to the pain your little one bears, He knows your pain and your baby’s hurt.
Although He may not seem to be listening, God’s ears are always open to your pleas and your anger.
God knows what you’re going through.
He is walking beside you. Every step of the way.
And He’ll be there when you let go enough to fall into His arms.
And He’ll strengthen you when you are your weakest. Love you when you’re your angriest. Hold you when you’re your broken-est.
You are loved, more than you know. Your little one is loved, more than you know.
Find His arms. Rest on His shoulders. Let Him love you, just as you are.
You are so loved, and so is your baby.
I’m praying for you always too. With Love that knows no end and no suffering some day.